Once the Thanksgiving turkey and leftovers have been demolished, most people face the countdown to Christmas with an unconscious unease covered by a frenzy of shopping. Bob and I like to spend Christmas in Australia in the hope that we’ll escape the worst of SAD and the Christmas blues (Thanksgiving time marks the beginning of summer here). But the Santa Syndrome seems to have infected even those Down Under, and we’ve been asked on several occasions to talk to the media about how to get through this time with your emotions intact.
Much of my expertise in this subject comes from having tried every dysfunctional strategy going to escape the pain Christmas caused me and spending some of the most miserable Christmases I’ve heard of (and believe me I’ve heard of a lot!). So let me share with you some Dos and Don’ts from bitter experience as well as therapeutic wisdom.
First, though, let’s look at why we get so distressed around this time of year (Hanukah and New Year’s Eve have their own gauntlets to run). These days the happy family is often as much a myth as Santa Claus. Luckily we don’t have to keep pretending that the Fat Man exists much after the age of six–our school companions would soon set us straight even if our parents didn’t. But the myth of the perfect family is a burden many of us take to the grave, and at no time is it put under more stress than at Christmas. Conflicts and ambiguous feelings we’ve put on hold all year, often through distance, bubble to the surface.
Then there’s the eternal tug over who we’ll spend Christmas with. Your parents or your in-laws? Your divorced father or your mother? What if your kids decide to go to your ex-husband and his new wife, proving once and for all that they’ve abandoned you? Or, and this is true for a growing number of people, what if you have no one you really want to spend Christmas with?
And finally, there’s the pressure to try to solve it all with Mastercard or Visa, to prove your love with dollars because you just don’t know how else to navigate the emotional rapids of relationships.
Here are six emotional survival tips:
1. Ask yourself who you really want to spend Christmas with. Imagine that the Guilt-Free Fairy could wave her wand and no one would feel hurt or angry at your decision. Where would you feel truly accepted and at ease? Where would you laugh and be playful? Where would you feel that your own values were recognized and reinforced? Where could you count on people to meet your needs? Wherever that is–wherever that is–is where you should be.
2. In terms of Christmas shopping, ask yourself whether you are buying each gift because the process gives you pleasure or out of obligation, and be realistic about your financial situation. Bob and I give each other gifts whenever we see something the other person would love or when they need an emotional boost (or, to be honest, when I do. Things you can buy don’t mean much to Bob.) Christmas is largely a present-free zone for us.
3. Use your time off to be in nature. A walk in the woods, or cross-country skiing if the snow is deep, will help tone your body and your neural chemistry. Especially in the presence of someone you love, it can connect you to that which is most true about yourself and the world.
4. Spirituality is a natural antidepressant, but only if it feels intrinsic to you and brings you closer to others. Evaluate your religious rituals in these terms, and, if they meet these criteria, seek solace and joy there.
5. If you feel in danger of being isolated or bored during the holidays, join a group that has activities during this time. Being with supportive people who share your values and interests is vital to combating depression–now and during the rest of the year. Take it from someone who has tried to tough out the Christmas holidays on her own–you really don’t want to do that.
6. Remember that, while good food and drink can be a part of Christmas cheer, when taken in excess they are also depressants. If you feel in danger of overdoing it, try to spend time with those who don’t. If you feel you may have a problem with food or alcohol, attend some meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous or Overeaters Anonymous. You won’t be alone, and it could mark the start of a new, addiction-free life.
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